First of all I'd like to say that the post before this was from my myspace and thats why it talks about a more formal blog for the year of '09. [this blog].
On December 26th, 2008 I rededicated myself, my life, and everything to God. As I was doing this I also noticed that good friends of mine we're getting saved and/or rededicating themselves. I'm glad that so many around me are also working on their relationships with God because I now have a support system to back me up. But the reason I am creating this blog is because I never hear the story about the teenage kid who is surviving. When I watch tv or read books its always about teenagers out partying or giving up. I never see the actual thing... I never see a regular, christian teenager out surviving. I'm not saying I won't fail, because I'm sure I will. I'll fail over and over again but God will forgive me and I will take refuge in him. I will. And thats what I wan't to portray in this blog. The blessings and love of God.
(I'd like to state that your going to have to fogive my horrible grammar.)
So, on January 1st, 2009 I will start my resolution of writing a blog for an entire year, of my struggles and blessings as a christian teenager. If you read it I'd like to thank you. But even if no one reads it I will continue to write. :]
And I'll just leave you with that on-going, always stated verse.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
See you later,
Kristina.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
God and I [background information]
In summer of '07 I went back to Camp Agape. [I had gone before randomly since I was 9] I learned so much more about God and decided I was going to follow him. Now, a lot of people either think I've been close to God my entire life or people think I don't have a relationship with him at all. And at different points of my life, both have been true. I wish I didn't believe that you can't really be close to God when your young [like younger than 9] because I don't think a childs mind works like that. You don't know what your promising or believing in, or have much choice - if your parents believe, you do. if they don't, you don't. But maybe thats unfair - So, I'll just say that back when I was younger [around 9] I promised my life to God, I even got baptized, but truely had no idea of the hardships in life, the promise of God, or the choices I had. Because we all have a choice.
Around 9, my sister died. Which actually made me a lot wiser than other 9 yearolds around me... and sometimes I'd like to say that at the age of 9 I stopped believing in God because he let my sister died, but that would be a lie. When I think about the week following my sisters death I remember this one moment... I was sitting on the toilet [awkward...] and I just was sitting there, because I do that, sit and think. And I remember looking at the bathtub. I was listening to what people we're doing around the house and I didn't hear much. Justin [who was 6 at the time] wasn't running around. My parents wern't talking loudly like they tend to. It was silent. I remember questioning my first notion that she had just gone to sleep for a long time. When I watch movies the adults always tell kids that the person went to sleep for a very long time. But I don't remember if I actually was told that. I just remember thinking it. But it was in that moment, it was in the silence, that I realized she wasn't coming back. She was gone, forever. I remember crying. I didn't understand nearly how hard her death would be on my family, on me. But I knew that my big sister and best friend was taken away and I didn't know why.
I'm not sure if I continued believing in God after my sisters death, because I don't quite remember. I do remember questioning some 'God' who would take my big sister away, someone so cherished by everyone around her... but, I don't think I gave up on God. I just didn't follow him, because at the age 9-12 you don't [I didn't] have many 'temptations' or understand any of that stuff anyways, so I particularly don't think that stuff counts.
It was when I was 13 that everything changed, for many reasons. My thirteenth birthday was the first time I cut myself and I will [finally] admit that the first time was only for attention, I wanted all the chaos of my friends to stop and for them to notice my pain. [This was my 13th b-day party, actually] I didn't cut myself after that. I didn't randomly start cutting myself, I just did it that once. And I was over. But I guess if you try something once you go back to it for support. Even though you didn't think you needed it in the first place.
At the age of 13 I became an 'Atheist' but I really wouldn't consider myself that now, with wising up and all. I didn't believe in crap and at the moment thats what I needed. I saw so much evil in the world, I hated everyone close to me, everyone away from me, God, and myself. I had no purpose in life at all... and I'm guessing that most 13 yearolds don't have such a great purpose in life, though I know theres 13 yearolds out there who have such strength in God. And that does cause me such jealousy.
By the time I was fourteen I was in 7th grade. It was a good year, considering. But I don't remember it much.
In 8th grade I didn't care about anything at all. I quit caring about school and I quit caring about people. I don't remember much of this year except the perseptions of others, they mostlly thought I was some care-free, emo/punk/goth, loser. And I was fine with that. I began cutting myself again and actually it wasn't so much about hating myself or those around me but for fun. I did it with my friends, with sounds so morbid and horrible, but its true. I know part of it was rooted as pain and I refused to think of how my pain was caused by my running from God. Actually I was so against God and everything I almsost went to Camp Agape the summer after 8th grade, as a joke. I remember the first day there, Wesley and I got there so early that I had so much alone time. I remember crying, deeply and sadly because I didn't want to be there. I hated it before it began. I remember the first night of worship I just sat there as everyone else prayed. I just sat there as everyone else was standing and singing. I just sat there. I thought it was all idiotic. I actually made jokes about how they didn't know the anti-christ was in their own pressence. [I was really stupid...] But a few nights in [by the third night I think] I was praying. I actually got closer to the girls in my cabins and a few outside of it. I even started hanging out with certain groups, and I had friends. I couldn't believe it. And so quickly I became so strong at prayer. Thats probably why I think its part of my calling, praying for others. I just, could talk to God. I built such amazing relationships with quite a few of them that I was sure I could always stay strong. I left and a month later I quit.
See, anyone reading this blog already knows that I quit everything. I just can't help it. But if theres one thing in life I shouldn't quit, its this.
I remember the first moment I denounced God as my savior. I was sitting in my friends house and someone who was there was deeply and utterly against Christianity [for some reason...] and she started attacking me. They all we're making fun of me. I should have ran away from that situation, but I never did. I wanted to be cool, I wanted to keep my friends. After a few minutes she asks me, "So, your christian?" with her snideness. I hated everything in life in that one moment. Everything I had been working for, and it was harder than I supposed it would be. I hated that moment; I still do. But after that I went back to the way I was.
It was weird though. Randomly. Out of no where. It was like May [which was 8 months after I quit] I began believing again. Praying. And I knew then that I had to go back to Camp Agape because that if I could last a whole month [may - june] then I could survive. That I could live with God.
I went to camp and strengthened my relationship with God. But something was hendering my experience. I'm still not sure what it was. I was trying to be someone I wasn't, maybe? Or maybe I was just searching for answers, which wern't there. I'm not sure what was wrong with me, but I didn't get the full experience. I'm not sure how long I lasted this time, a little more than the year before. I just remember silently giving up. Again. Like I always do.
Now during 9th grade [which was inbetween these two camp experiences] I began cutting myself again. More frequently. I think these times we're more about punishing myself. I once punished myself because I promised God I would try my hardest then got upset at myself because I couldn't. I was so desperately lost. I was running from God. Thats why it was random for me to believe in God by myself, with out Camp Agape.
After I quit working on my relationship with God the second time I was sure I would never go back to him. I mean, how could I? Why would God want me back after all the times I gave up? But I saw the happiness in Shawn, as he began a relationship with God, a strong one. And I saw also Danielle having a wonderful relationship with God, too. And I thought back to all those close friends of mine, Brittnay, Jenny, Mikey, Lance, Wesley, Michael, Cheyenne, and how we all we're trying. That we all wen't to God together. More than once. We prayed together. Which is the most bonding experience in the world. And how, even if they had given up. Even if they didn't believe, just like I didn't. That at one point we all had. We we're all the happiest ever. And I knew, God forgave. I remember hearing about it so many times. "God forgives you"... blahblahblah. But after quite a few people telling me that all I had to do was go back to him. To ask for forgiveness. To work on it. To keep going, no matter how many times I fail him - just keep going. Just keep trying.
So. I will. I know I fail every single day. That I fall short of the glory of God. But I do know that in my darkest hours God is the one who shows up at my door and knocks. I know that when I'm alone in my room, with no one to talk to, God is there. I know that God is my closest friend. And that if I have to I will choose God over all of you. I will choose God over anyone. Because he gives me life. And I've quit too many times, because of people who make me choose. So, I choose God. No matter who I have to lose or gain this time. Because most of the time, I've given up on him, not because of myself, but because I wanted to be liked, or popular. But not anymore. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being sick.
I know that God has put me in the situation I'm in, so that I can first grow in him. Then secondly show him to all of you. To re-introduce him to you. Or introduce, if you've never heard of him. [which I hardly doubt]
And thats my main plan for the year of '09. I will grow with God. I will grow. I will help you grow too, if you would like. Well - I can lead you to the right direction [up!]... :] I'd also like to state that in '09 I will have a more formal blog, on a different site, that I will put the link to [on my myspace] so that I can either daily [or whenever I can] talk about my contributions to the world, my struggles as I try to finally live an entire year with God, it will include daily struggles, my thoughts and fears. And it will probably be the closest look into my mind and my faith you will ever get.
I will never cut myself again because I have God by my side. I know that all the hard things I've dealt with in my life have been for me to lead others with the same struggles to God. I know it all has a purpose. So, I will keep on. And finally, with a smile.
Around 9, my sister died. Which actually made me a lot wiser than other 9 yearolds around me... and sometimes I'd like to say that at the age of 9 I stopped believing in God because he let my sister died, but that would be a lie. When I think about the week following my sisters death I remember this one moment... I was sitting on the toilet [awkward...] and I just was sitting there, because I do that, sit and think. And I remember looking at the bathtub. I was listening to what people we're doing around the house and I didn't hear much. Justin [who was 6 at the time] wasn't running around. My parents wern't talking loudly like they tend to. It was silent. I remember questioning my first notion that she had just gone to sleep for a long time. When I watch movies the adults always tell kids that the person went to sleep for a very long time. But I don't remember if I actually was told that. I just remember thinking it. But it was in that moment, it was in the silence, that I realized she wasn't coming back. She was gone, forever. I remember crying. I didn't understand nearly how hard her death would be on my family, on me. But I knew that my big sister and best friend was taken away and I didn't know why.
I'm not sure if I continued believing in God after my sisters death, because I don't quite remember. I do remember questioning some 'God' who would take my big sister away, someone so cherished by everyone around her... but, I don't think I gave up on God. I just didn't follow him, because at the age 9-12 you don't [I didn't] have many 'temptations' or understand any of that stuff anyways, so I particularly don't think that stuff counts.
It was when I was 13 that everything changed, for many reasons. My thirteenth birthday was the first time I cut myself and I will [finally] admit that the first time was only for attention, I wanted all the chaos of my friends to stop and for them to notice my pain. [This was my 13th b-day party, actually] I didn't cut myself after that. I didn't randomly start cutting myself, I just did it that once. And I was over. But I guess if you try something once you go back to it for support. Even though you didn't think you needed it in the first place.
At the age of 13 I became an 'Atheist' but I really wouldn't consider myself that now, with wising up and all. I didn't believe in crap and at the moment thats what I needed. I saw so much evil in the world, I hated everyone close to me, everyone away from me, God, and myself. I had no purpose in life at all... and I'm guessing that most 13 yearolds don't have such a great purpose in life, though I know theres 13 yearolds out there who have such strength in God. And that does cause me such jealousy.
By the time I was fourteen I was in 7th grade. It was a good year, considering. But I don't remember it much.
In 8th grade I didn't care about anything at all. I quit caring about school and I quit caring about people. I don't remember much of this year except the perseptions of others, they mostlly thought I was some care-free, emo/punk/goth, loser. And I was fine with that. I began cutting myself again and actually it wasn't so much about hating myself or those around me but for fun. I did it with my friends, with sounds so morbid and horrible, but its true. I know part of it was rooted as pain and I refused to think of how my pain was caused by my running from God. Actually I was so against God and everything I almsost went to Camp Agape the summer after 8th grade, as a joke. I remember the first day there, Wesley and I got there so early that I had so much alone time. I remember crying, deeply and sadly because I didn't want to be there. I hated it before it began. I remember the first night of worship I just sat there as everyone else prayed. I just sat there as everyone else was standing and singing. I just sat there. I thought it was all idiotic. I actually made jokes about how they didn't know the anti-christ was in their own pressence. [I was really stupid...] But a few nights in [by the third night I think] I was praying. I actually got closer to the girls in my cabins and a few outside of it. I even started hanging out with certain groups, and I had friends. I couldn't believe it. And so quickly I became so strong at prayer. Thats probably why I think its part of my calling, praying for others. I just, could talk to God. I built such amazing relationships with quite a few of them that I was sure I could always stay strong. I left and a month later I quit.
See, anyone reading this blog already knows that I quit everything. I just can't help it. But if theres one thing in life I shouldn't quit, its this.
I remember the first moment I denounced God as my savior. I was sitting in my friends house and someone who was there was deeply and utterly against Christianity [for some reason...] and she started attacking me. They all we're making fun of me. I should have ran away from that situation, but I never did. I wanted to be cool, I wanted to keep my friends. After a few minutes she asks me, "So, your christian?" with her snideness. I hated everything in life in that one moment. Everything I had been working for, and it was harder than I supposed it would be. I hated that moment; I still do. But after that I went back to the way I was.
It was weird though. Randomly. Out of no where. It was like May [which was 8 months after I quit] I began believing again. Praying. And I knew then that I had to go back to Camp Agape because that if I could last a whole month [may - june] then I could survive. That I could live with God.
I went to camp and strengthened my relationship with God. But something was hendering my experience. I'm still not sure what it was. I was trying to be someone I wasn't, maybe? Or maybe I was just searching for answers, which wern't there. I'm not sure what was wrong with me, but I didn't get the full experience. I'm not sure how long I lasted this time, a little more than the year before. I just remember silently giving up. Again. Like I always do.
Now during 9th grade [which was inbetween these two camp experiences] I began cutting myself again. More frequently. I think these times we're more about punishing myself. I once punished myself because I promised God I would try my hardest then got upset at myself because I couldn't. I was so desperately lost. I was running from God. Thats why it was random for me to believe in God by myself, with out Camp Agape.
After I quit working on my relationship with God the second time I was sure I would never go back to him. I mean, how could I? Why would God want me back after all the times I gave up? But I saw the happiness in Shawn, as he began a relationship with God, a strong one. And I saw also Danielle having a wonderful relationship with God, too. And I thought back to all those close friends of mine, Brittnay, Jenny, Mikey, Lance, Wesley, Michael, Cheyenne, and how we all we're trying. That we all wen't to God together. More than once. We prayed together. Which is the most bonding experience in the world. And how, even if they had given up. Even if they didn't believe, just like I didn't. That at one point we all had. We we're all the happiest ever. And I knew, God forgave. I remember hearing about it so many times. "God forgives you"... blahblahblah. But after quite a few people telling me that all I had to do was go back to him. To ask for forgiveness. To work on it. To keep going, no matter how many times I fail him - just keep going. Just keep trying.
So. I will. I know I fail every single day. That I fall short of the glory of God. But I do know that in my darkest hours God is the one who shows up at my door and knocks. I know that when I'm alone in my room, with no one to talk to, God is there. I know that God is my closest friend. And that if I have to I will choose God over all of you. I will choose God over anyone. Because he gives me life. And I've quit too many times, because of people who make me choose. So, I choose God. No matter who I have to lose or gain this time. Because most of the time, I've given up on him, not because of myself, but because I wanted to be liked, or popular. But not anymore. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being sick.
I know that God has put me in the situation I'm in, so that I can first grow in him. Then secondly show him to all of you. To re-introduce him to you. Or introduce, if you've never heard of him. [which I hardly doubt]
And thats my main plan for the year of '09. I will grow with God. I will grow. I will help you grow too, if you would like. Well - I can lead you to the right direction [up!]... :] I'd also like to state that in '09 I will have a more formal blog, on a different site, that I will put the link to [on my myspace] so that I can either daily [or whenever I can] talk about my contributions to the world, my struggles as I try to finally live an entire year with God, it will include daily struggles, my thoughts and fears. And it will probably be the closest look into my mind and my faith you will ever get.
I will never cut myself again because I have God by my side. I know that all the hard things I've dealt with in my life have been for me to lead others with the same struggles to God. I know it all has a purpose. So, I will keep on. And finally, with a smile.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
