The Fifth. [First day back]

Last night I couldn't sleep at all, it was almost as bad as getting excited for camp or the first day of school, but not really excitment, but... anticipation. I knew I wasn't prepared to come back and as I was lying there I kept thinking of all the things I had to have prepared for the next day. Then I also had to write myself a small note to put by my alarm clock to remind myself I was beautiful and that God loves me. [Sometimes I have to write myself things like this so I'll get out of bed, lol.] Which, it would have been nice if I didn't want to stab myself repeatedly in the face with a spork. I had gotten about an hour of sleep, due to my anticipation, plus my sleeping schedule was dramatically different during break and I'm still paying for it.

This morning after I got ready I went to school and in first period I spent my time in the library doing definitions for second period English. Afterwards I still had about 45 minutes so I found a book called Just Ask by Melody Carlson... but I'll get to that later. Second period was alright but as soon as we got in there the teacher was talking about some paper we apparently wrote before break that I couldn't recall that we had to do revisions on because apparently we sucked so much we deserved the chance to higher our grades. I have noticed that I get like 100's on my content but like 50's on my format. I didn't know MLA and it took up until today to tell her this, which is probably two papers too late, but... I've always had problems asking for help. Always. I'm like a dude who won't ask for directions. >.> By third period I was pretty worn out and feeling pretty lame... but while in there I started really getting into Just Ask and that was nice. On the way to fourth period I usually see this guy who is in my second period class, he always sees me while we pass in the hallway, and I see him, but I always look the other way, because, well, thats what I do. I usually don't look people in the eyes. But today for some reason I really wanted to see him. I wanted to smile at him. Its not that I like him, because I don't. I don't even know him. But for the two months I've been here I've noticed how nice he is, or how he looks at me, and I kind of wanted him to just say hello sometime, but he hasn't... which is just as much my fault as his. Well, I didn't see him. But it didn't bum me at all, I was so rejoiced that I noticed my own change in personality. As soon as I got here I wrote everyone off. I said, "These people are all morons. Their all preppier, more stupid, and rich than anyone I know. None of them have brain cells that work.." so on. But what I realized today was that after accepting God back into my life I also got my light back. That infectious smile. That feeling that someone could punch you in the face and then you'd smile at them and say, "Anything else?" and not mean it in a sarcastic way. In fourth period I was in a pretty good mood, but once my teacher was doing recommendations for next year science classes she recommended me for Physical science... which I failed last year. But I almost had a heart attack and explained to her I'm supposed to take credit recovery for that next semester... which isn't a total lie. But for the last 30 mins of class I was bummed and ready to get out of there, but it just seemed to get worse as I got more tired from only having one hour of sleep to getting sick on the bus ride home.

I took a nap from about 4-7 this afternoon, which won't help my sleeping schedule at all, obviously. I watched television for a few hours then finished Just Ask.

Just Ask.
"... I remembered how I gave my heart to God back in the fifth grade, or at least I prayed a prayer like that during Sunday school. To be honest, I'm not so sure that it took, at least as far as I was concerned. And I got to thinking that e ven though I didn't really understand what I was getting into back then, and even though I never took it seriously, god must've been just waiting for me to remember what I'd promised, He must've known that I would one day come back to Him."

I think this is a lot of the feelings I have. I gave my life to God sometime between 9 and 11, I remember the exact moment, because I asked my mom how to and I did it in my kitchen of my old house. I just don't remember how old I was. but... I think that over the years I was just running away from him, finding my way, my path. I know it sounds silly... how I had to run off from God, but if you know me, you know its not unlike me to give up on people or quit things. I quit God more than anything else, ever. But it took me quitting most things I've ever done to realize that I can quit drama club, but they won't just take me back and pretend I wasn't reliable. I could quit band, but it didn't mean I wouldn't forget everything and be pointless to them. I could quit chorus, but that didn't mean that the choir teacher wouldn't like the girl who'd been in there all 3 years. But, everytime I quit on God, I could come back, ask for forgiveness, and get it. God is always there for me which is lovely. no.. Its amazing. Its beyond belief. I know that I'm a stronger person for coming back after running away so many times. I'm not saying that I'm stronger than those who never ran, because at least they had the strength to stay. I'm just saying that I regret nothing. Every mistake, choice, confusion, and heart break was worth it. And its helping me get to what I am now.

I am Kristina [Shanelle] Lynne Moffitt.
I am a sixteen yearold virgin. who has never dated a guy.
I am a christian girl whos just finding her way.
I am a sophomore at Stratford high who is flunking biology.
I look in the mirror sometimes and see an ugly girl,
and the next moment I see the most amazing girl in the room.
I lie. I've cheated. I've stolen.
&& I'll probably do it all over again.
But by Gods grace I'm forgiven for anything and everything I am, or not.
I am a beautiful, loved, respected, christian girl.
I don't know where I'm going but I do put all of my hope and trust in God.
I know I still have to work for it and work on myself as I go but I also know that God has a plan for all of us and I'm not anywhere near the best time of my life. I'm finally thankful to be alive and its all because of God. I'm not sure how to be the best person I can be, or the best christian, but I'm working on it.

I love God.

"... Maybe that's what God is up to right now - changing me. Or maybe that's the only part of this big picture thing that I actually have any control over. Meaning I can control my own choices - like whether I choose to walk in faith or I choose to walk in fear. I'd rather walk in faith. ... I can at least give it my best shot."

I'm sick of running. I'm glad that since December 26th, 2008 I've decided to stop running. Completely and utterly I give myself to God. I'm still going to fail and suck at times. I'm still going to hate my appearance at time. I'll always be tempted by sex, drugs, lying, and otehr sins. because thats why there temptations, they tempt us. But I'm excited to say that I'm a clean-cut christian kidd. I'm glad to say that I'm not going to just date anyone. I'm finally letting myself feel better about every situation I'm in.

I've always had standards, so I never dated just anyone. I'm not saying guys we're fighting to get to my door, because in my life I've hardly heard my door knocking, but to be honest I've hardly actually answered the door anyways, so why would anyone knock? ... if that can be understood. I'm prepared to live my life for God, and not only do I have my old standards, I have new ones. I know I won't get some perfect guy. I'm not even looking. I know that God is taking me places... and when I'm ready, or when its supposed to happen, it will - through God. Right now in my life all I'm worried about is learning more about God, praying, trusting, more in God, and just overall improving my life for the better.

I'm just, so happy. Finally.
It just all, finally, makes so much sense. The pain, everything.
I know its all been worth it and I'm so thankful that Jesus died on the cross for me. That God is there for me. That God is there for all of us.

John 12:44-47 (NIV)
44Then Jesus cried out, "When a man believes in me, he does not believe in me only, but in the one who sent me. 45When he looks at me, he sees the one who sent me. 46I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.
47"As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it.


Thank you for reading,
Kristina.